I think that should mean "With everything I have," but I'm not 100% sure that it is grammatically correct. Feelings like this have defined my first month here: the uncertainty of correct expression, the frustration of inarticulate speech, the foolishness attendant with mistaken Spanish.
My first week here was an experience of dismay at my own deficiency in the language. It was similar to that experience you feel when that headache or broken bone first begins to hurt, casting a pall over every action you take. Maybe it is the healing process, or maybe it is simply you becoming accustomed to the pain, but the acuteness of the ache seems to dissipate.
Same with my Spanish abilities. I think I'm getting better, but it is difficult to tell. I am used to allowing the chatter around the house flow over my ears when I am tired of listening. I now understand how heavily my Spanish is accented and how much I still need to learn. I also have a new appreciation for my friends who have traveled outside the U.S. to learn a language, as well as my friends who have traveled to the U.S. to learn English. It is tough.
Right now, I am just trying to put my head down and climb the mountain of language proficiency without getting exasperated by altitude or false summits. I'm giving it all I got, at least I think so.
Henri Nouwen says to me and all who have or will go through this process, "When we become aware that our stuttering, failing, vulnerable selves are loved even when we hardly progress, we can let go of our compulsion to prove ourselves and be free to live with others in a fellowship of a weak." (Gracias pg.17)
So easy to say. So difficult to truly internalize.
Dios les bendiga, y espero que Dios me bendiga, también.
Hey Adam. I really know what you mean, maybe even more so, with my experience with Arabic. But just let the Lord encourage you in those rare moments that you communicate clearly with someone else, and let those empower you in those many moments that you feel like you are not understood or can't understand. Keep at it!
ReplyDeleteLove the Nouwen quote. And feel you on the language. Thanks for sharing, friend.
ReplyDeleteI feel you, Adam. Don't worry. Persevere. I'm sure you are getting much better even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes. That's how it was with me a lot of the time. Sometimes I'd feel utterly proficient and other times like I was just stumbling through. And then, when I'd meet people and start talking with them, some would say I had great Spanish and some would (politely) say just the opposite. It just depends on the day and on expectations. :)
ReplyDeleteLearning that with you brother... Thank you
ReplyDeleteI hope your language proficiency is improving. I know I would have a lot of trouble if I felt like I wasn't being understood nor understanding anybody else, which is bound to happen when there are language issues. I hope you are still able to connect despite the difficulties.
ReplyDeleteThis might not be of help but your Nouwen quote reminded me of 2 Corinthians 12:9:
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.